Episode 128: Star Wars Is Screwed

Has it come to this? The 80s Kids have never done a Star Wars show before, and now they are doing one it's one about this... and things were looking so good a couple of years back. Round about the time of Rogue One the future of the galaxy far, far away (or the past as it was, a long time ago) looked rosy, the new owners of Lucasfilm were feeling their way into their new acquisition and appeared to be making many of the right noises.

A couple of movies later and it's all gone to pot, however. How could it all have gone so wrong? And is there anything to be done to fix matters?

The 80s Kids pull on their blancmange resistant shoes and wade into the mire of poor decision making and awkward problem-solving that has resulted in Star Wars being a thing that Star Wars fans are feeling it hard to care about any more. Oh, the misery! Oh, the sadness! Internet message boards are still full of posts that say: "Discovery doesn't feel like Star Trek but I'm watching it anyway" but equally are they full of "Star Wars still exists but I am finding it hard to give a crap". When we recorded Star Trek is Screwed little did we know that it's flashier cinematic rival would soon be in worse shape.

Let's send 80s Kids Season 3 into its slumber until Christmas with a consideration of how the whole business just appears to have gone, well, totally Jar Jar.

This episode uses Excerpts of John Bartmann's My Time Done Come, available on Bandcamp and used under a Creative Commons License

Direct Link: https://archive.org/download/305StarWarsIsScrewed/3-05-Star-Wars-is-Screwed.mp3

Episode 127: Conan The Footloose and The Iron Tower

If you tuned in last week then you'll get the picture here right away. 2011 was a year that, cinematically, mostly happened around the edges. Nothing in the Top 10 was breaking new ground or enticing the keen movie-goer with more than the promise that you were getting something where you knew what it was. All the action was happening outside of the big box office.

Maybe part of this was down to the death of wave-1 3D where 3D was slapped onto everything whether it warranted it or not and a few titles, Drive Angry I'm looking at you, were only released cinematically in 3D for no good reason whatsoever. Thankfully, however, where the 80s nostalgia was strong, 3D was seen as an unnecessary distraction from all the AWESOME 80s ACTION. At least, that's how we're choosing to read it.

In some ways the 80s wasn't so strong with 2011, a Conan reboot attempt, a Fright Night remake, a Footloose remake and the prequel to The Thing makes a solid if unremarkable effort. But then we did get a Margaret Thatcher biopic thrown in the mix and, despite not being genre, that makes a solid 80s foundation to show the decade where all the best movies happened is still present in spirit.

In a way, though, the very best 80s stuff was in the films that hadn't forgotten the spirit of the 80s whether that be in the robot karate kid form of Real Steel, the Eddie Murphy starring heist in the tower or the "Yoot On Bikes" alien invasion comedy Attack the Block. Whichever way you slice it the spirit of the 80s was strong in 2011 and that's just the way we kids like it.

This episode uses Excerpts of John Bartmann's My Time Done Come, available on Bandcamp and used under a Creative Commons License

Direct Link: https://archive.org/download/3042011Part2/3-04-2011-Part-2.mp3

Episode 126:A Popcorn Bucket Full of One-Star Reviews

It's 1-Star Reviews all around this week as we look at the top ten movies of 2011 and it's not the world's most inspiring list, filled with franchise bloat and soaked through with sequel sogginess. There are a couple of gems and some fun times, but, for the most bankable movies of any year, the general picture is pretty sad.

Smurfs, Transformers, Muscle Cars, more sodding sparkly vampires, it's enough to make you want to drink, drink, drink until oblivion takes you, only to wake up the next day in some unknown location with no hair and a leopard in the bedroom. And yet, we didn't, and neither did anyone we know. All in all 2011 appeared, upon the surface of it, to be a pretty enjoyable year for movies, certainly the upcoming summer of 2013, infamous as the "Summer of Various Disappointments" had more to be glum about, so what gives?

It would appear that the masses were swayed towards big, solid, bankable, critic-proof franchise fare, which is fine and fair enough when you're talking martial arts pandas, talking cars or super spies who may, or may not, be getting on a bit now. But the wonderful thing about 2011 is that it allowed us to have our own dreams, there were many smaller, non-top ten movies that filled in the aching void of hunger for something a bit more substantial.

Great, Leo managed to get through that whole set up blurb without mentioning Captain America or Thor. Now to move on to next week, where he won't be mentioning them either.

This episode uses Excerpts of John Bartmann's My Time Done Come, available on Bandcamp and used under a Creative Commons License

EDITOR'S NOTE: At one point in this episode Leo boldly proclaims that Captain America: The First Avenger and Thor made x "thousand" dollars at the box office, he, of course, meant x "million" dollars but failed to catch his own mistake. I have covered it up as seamlessly as I can, hope no one notices...

Direct Link: https://archive.org/download/3032011Part1/3-03-2011-Part-1.mp3

Episode 125: Halloween Special - Stranger Kids

It is the weird time, the time of long shadows, where the cold bites harder, above the ragged fingers of blackish clouds claw at the bone-white surface of the moon. It is the time of bizarre happenings, of disquieting omens and of throwback 80s nostalgia weird fiction that you can binge watch on a popular streaming service.

Grabbing the chance as the kids whizz by (you know, on their bikes) those other kids, the ones from the 80s mull over the new hotness of all things 80s throwback. Is the current fad any more than that? Are kids on bikes integral to the vibe? Are these artefacts true to the era, or just fluffy (if tentacly) nostalgia for the time of the 80s? Does any of this matter if we're all having a good time?

Taking in the sights along the way the 80s kids stroll, unaided by human-powered bi-pedal assistance, through the cultural thicket, and wonder what happened to the good old family weird fiction movie of yore. Has the double whammy of IT and Stranger Things created the illusion of a new phase of the 80s culture revival, or is there more to be gained in the future from the neon past of the Goonies, the Monster Squad and, of course, Explorers?

This episode uses Excerpts of John Bartmann's My Time Done Come, available on Bandcamp and used under a Creative Commons License

Direct Link: https://archive.org/download/302HalloweenSpecialStrangerKids/3-02-Halloween-Special-Stranger-Kids.mp3

Episode 124: Summer Review 2018

So the time of reckoning has come once more unto the kids from the 80s. It was a summer of blockbuster box office but also some bluster and blocked profits for titles that surely should have been bankable even though they were... erm... going solo. We ruminate for the mandatory amount of time about Sci Fi shenanigans, underwhelming dinos, overwhelming Star Wars ennui and purple dudes with universe-altering bling. But we are the 80s kids, and we are disciplined so on we trot in good time.

Horror movies, kids movies, comedies, how did they fare in the summer of 2018, well, a hell of a lot better than your straight action thriller, that's for certain. As we ruin the Quiet Place with our noise and moan about the annoying rabbit we have to wonder, will Joe Carnahan ever get a break?

In the comedies it would appear to be all about those Crazy, Rich Asians, leading to a question about whether things are as questionable as we first thought if they're making bank at the box office. One thing's for certain the summer of 2018 had its ups and its downs but Action Point still didn't make any money.

This episode uses Excerpts of John Bartmann's My Time Done Come, available on Bandcamp and used under a Creative Commons License

Direct Link: https://archive.org/download/301SummerRoundUp2018/3-01-Summer-Round-Up-2018.mp3

Metasode 2: Hello Anchor People

Hey, regular fans! This is by way of an explainer for people joining us on anchor.fm where we're also going to be releasing future casts.

Welcome Anchor-ites to the land of the 80s Kids. This isn't one of our real podcasts and, as you can see from the 2 in the title, isn't even the first "Not An Episode" of our little endeavour.

If you want explanations of what the heck we're on about then this is what this "not an episode" has in spades. If you want a "real" episode of 80s Kids goodness then you might want to check back here next week. Until then you can head over to our Facebook page or our archive (link on our profile description) to get all Revenged up in the meanwhile.

This episode uses Excerpts of Coconut Monkeyrocket's Juicy Jungle and John Bartmann's My Time Done Come, both available on Bandcamp and used under a Creative Commons License

Direct Link: https://archive.org/download/300AnchorMetasode/3-00-Anchor-Metasode.mp3

Episode 123: Star Trek is Screwed

Indeed it is, and has been for so long that the title of this episode has been baking since 2013 when Ian first suggested it. Things weren't much better then, when Ian thought of the idea because a certain Time Lord's 50th Anniversary was coming up. The Doctor had bunting in his Tardis, cake and a War Doctor incarnation played by John Hurt to celebrate.

At almost the same time Star Trek was coming up to its 50th. What did Kirk et al. get? A re-sequel of a re-boot and then forgotten for a couple of years. Then, like a zombie a second sequel to the re-boot came along as well as a shiny new series unavailable except via extortion in the country of its birth. Star Trek did not have the best birthday or aftermath of birthday.

Has it ever been thus? The plug was pulled on Classic Star Trek but it wouldn't die, resurrected in the girdle-clad flesh to shamble on to cinema screens in competition with Star Wars. Then brought back to television and it seemed the rough years were over. Until, three patchy spin offs down the line, we crashed headlong into the shuffling embarrassment of awkwardness that was Enterprise, along with the crushingly awful Nemesis and that appeared to be it.

But you shouldn't count your tribbles until they've been to the vet for neutering (no, seriously). There was the reboot, which was delayed in release so long it looked like it might just get shelved and then... well, here we are, spore drives and a movie franchise that may, possibly, have flatlined. Is this any way to run a Space Federation? Join the 80s kids in their final show for this season and let the moaning commence.

Direct Link: https://archive.org/download/206StarTrekEditFinal/2-06-Star-Trek-Edit-Final.mp3

This episode features an excerpt from Cutting To The Chase by the outstanding Kai Engel.

Episode 122: Clash of the 80s Reboot Lightcycle Team

In a pleasing moment of serendipity 2010 loved the 80s almost as much as the old men who were children during it. So out came a rehash of Clash of The Titans, an attempted reboot of everyone's favourite car waxing tutorial, and, who could forget The A Team?

Turns out nearly everyone has forgotten the A Team, including us, so we re-discover this neglected gem. And also consider the duo of sequels to 80s properties nestled away in here. Predators seeks to supplant Predator 2 as a sequel to Arnie's jungle based testosterfest, thankfully, this isn't Highlander, so although it fails to top the Danny Glover sequel it nestles comfortably in the Predator canon awaiting the next entry until someone can think of something more to add that doesn't suck (looks toward September, looks away again).

And how can we ignore Tron Legacy? Well, we can't, in fact, we haven't on several occasions in the podcast. This most troublesome movie has grown from frustrating failure to flawed classic before our eyes. How much more 80s could you get than a zero to hero story that involves Jeff Bridges and synthesizers as key components?

Direct Link: https://archive.org/download/205ClashOfThe80sRebootLightcycleTeam/2-05-Clash-Of-The-80s-Reboot-Lightcycle-Team.mp3

Live Stream Announcement - 80s Kids Magical Mystery Box Event

If you have been following us via Facebook then you will know that we are currently "Up To Something". Well, what we are up to will be broadcast via Live Stream on 5th May 2018 at 11:30 AM (ish) on our YouTube Channel. Here's a link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUe-G9vL9SY

If you would love to have been informed sooner, or did not know, somehow, that we had a facebook page here's a link to that:

https://www.facebook.com/RevengeOfThe80sKids/

Viewing window to be posted closer to the time.

Episode 121: Dreaming of Depressed Children and the War Machine

And so we pick up our knapsacks and alpenstocks once more, emerge from the lodge at the foot of "Mount Teenies" and wander purposefully into the 2010 foothills. We have aged since our impetuous youth pressed us into devoting a whole show to just one year. In the 80s that was achievable, in the 90s we were keen to be all done as quickly as possible, but then there were the noughties... my, didn't they have a lot to offer? Cramming one noughtie into a single show nearly killed us on more than one occasion and so, we have changed the format.

In the teenies each year shall get two shows. The first considering the year's biggest money-makers and the second moving on to what we like to describe as "Key Texts" and what you may like to describe as "The 80s Kids trying to give the 80s credit for everything". In this show, therefore, we will consider the top 10 highest grossing movies of 2010, so Iron Man 2 was bound to crop up.

Following on from that big obvious heap of MCU stuff what else do we have? Well, there's a lot of stuff for the kids! But... with How To Train Your Dragon, Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part One, Toy Story 3 and Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland your kids may need cheering up. Thankfully we also have Tangled, Despicable Me and Shrek Forever After to fall back on. So there should be at least one thing to make the children happy, even though there are a greater number of things to make them depressed and anxious.

Grown Ups, on the other hand, got... well... Inception. That's the only thing in the top 10 not specifically chiefly marketed at people under 30. The only other entry being a Twilight Movie. Oh, yes, about that. We make a hasty assurance in this episode that leads us to hope, fervently, that we don't get too many listeners who are that bothered about Twilight. Let's move on. Quickly... very, very quickly.

Direct Link: https://archive.org/download/204DreamingOfDepressedChildrenAndTheWarMachine/2-04-Dreaming-Of-Depressed-Children-And-The-War-Machine.mp3

Episode 120: We Are The 80s Kids... - Summer Predictions 2018

As we may, possibly, have remarked, we are the 80s Kids, and as we further may have mentioned, we predict the future. We only mention the former because no one knows who we are. We only mention the latter because, like latter-day Cassandras, no-one listens to our prophecies, so the only ones wigged out when they come to pass is us.

It should be pointed out, to be fair, that we're a bit like those Cylons wired up in bathtubs from new BSG, parsing out our spooky visions of the future is rendered impossible because of the surrounding word salad, most of the time. This is our annual attempt to actually focus on the predictions at hand, a breakdown of what we consider to be the likely winners and losers in Summer 2018.

It's no surprise that Superheroes are back at the cinema this summer, enough of them to get their own category, but what's the point of speculating on those, really? SF and Fantasy, on the other hand, asks us to nominate Solo or more Jurassic World, among a smorgasbord of other delights. In the world of action, it looks like it's all about Skyscraper and MI: Fallout. Then it gets tricky, can one really pick apart a slate of comedies including Game Night, Life of the Party and Super Troopers 2? Family movies wave the big shinies of Incredibles 2 and Hotel Transylvania 3 in our direction, but all of this may lead one to wonder WTF happened to a variety of entertainment, sure Avengers, Solo, Rampage and the Stath punching a Megalodon are all amusing, but where are the zingers and shouldn't there be a minion in here somewhere?

Summer predictions, either they seem easy or they quite blatantly tell you they're impossible to pick. Let's see how the 80s Kids get on with this mess, shall we?

Direct Link: https://archive.org/download/203WeAreThe80sKids2018SummerPredictions/2-03-We-Are-The-80s-Kids-2018-Summer-Predictions.mp3

Episode 119: The Vin Diesel Problem

Technical snafus, out of context Justin, gentlemen having problems, not being able to do things... anymore, these are all the things that made the 80s Kids a beloved, nay, tolerated, nay, largely ignored, cultural artefact of the latter years. But are audiences still into the authentic 80s Kids vibe? Or do they crave the great 80s Kids flavour without all that calorific canon weighing them down? Only one way to be sure: REBOOT!

But can this really be a reboot? After all, this is labelled episode 119, Leo and Ian still bicker away at the podcast's core and someone called Justin occasionally chips in with a relevant or interesting tidbit. The theme tune has not been reworked, the format is mostly similar. Are these jokers trying to give us a continuation dressed up as a reboot? Is it enough that their eye is, most certainly, fixed on the franchise?

It would appear that the only answer is for us to pull on our reboots and trample all over the reboots of latter times, The A Team, Batman Begins, Spider-man (twice!), Ghostbusters, Terminator and that ever present Vin Diesel Problem. The complicated and confusing world of reboots is bound to get the 80s Kids to venture into choppy waters this week. Let's hope that this podcast pays adequate respects to the podcasts that went before whilst offering new hope for growth and development in the future, shall we?

Direct Link: https://archive.org/download/202RebootsEditFinal/2-02-Reboots-Edit-Final.mp3

Episode 118: Rowdy Roddy Rose Tinted Spectacles

We have established that Ghostbusters, Back To The Future, The Thing, Big Trouble In Little China, The Breakfast Club, Weird Science, Gremlins, Aliens, The Lost Boys, The Terminator, Blade Runner, Conan The Barbarian, Brazil, Predator, Commando, Return of the Living Dead, Nightmare on Elm Street, Explorers, The Goonies, Robocop and dozens of other great moments in cinema took place in the 1980s. But does that mean the 80s were necessarily a better time for pop culture than any before or since?

You cannot deny the 70s, the 00s and, sigh, even the 90s had their moments, but can it be true that in the 80s even the low points were higher? Is that a matter for ultimate aesthetic truth? Or is it just a bunch of grumpy old men crying into their Back to the Future trilogy box sets about past glories?

As the All-New, All-Retro 80s Kids are determined to make the bright future pay homage to the neon-tinted age of shoulder pads it is absolutely vital that they ask "Why are we so obsessed with the 80s?" with the rise of Stranger Things and synthwave it may seem that we're not alone, but is all just the future glimpsed through Rowdy Roddy Rose tinted spectacles? Or does the 80s truly live again?

Direct Link: https://archive.org/download/20180sNostalgiaEditFinal/2-01-80s-Nostalgia-Edit-Final.mp3

This episode features an excerpt from Whisper of Night Streets by the estimable Eva Schlegel.

Metasode 1: Season of the 80s Kids

Regular listeners to our show may be forgiven for having been sitting in the living room, worried sick, counting flowers on the wall, smoking cigarettes (health risks notwithstanding) and watching Captain Kangaroo (on DVD obviously). Now, here we come, bedraggled, the worse for wear, our key scratching at the lock, our clompy boots not the best for tiptoeing through this house of lies.

We make our way, whispering in urgent tones, clearly assigning the blame for our misadventures amongst ourselves. And then we catch the eye of the listener, stone faced, curlers in hair, dressing gown cinched too tightly. We realise, the jig is up. We are going to have to explain where we've been since October 2015.

Okay, yes, fine we can bring the regular listener a bouquet of 2018 Summer Predictions, we can promise to do better in the future, but the damage is done. The rgular listener was thinking that we'd succumbed to podfade out there, and yet, here we are with all our 80s nostalgia, and year shows, like nothing happened. The regular listener knows that Ian hates talking about our real lives, but this is a special exception. So, we settle down for this "Not an Episode" Metasode of the 80s Kids that seeks to begin setting expectations for the years ahead.

After that, maybe we can get back to business, almost, as usual.

Direct Link: https://archive.org/download/Metasode1SeasonOfThe80sKids/Metasode-1-Season-Of-The-80s-Kids.mp3

This episode features an excerpt from Nuevo Chanson by the excellent John Bartmann.

Live Stream: 2018 Summer Predictions

Has it been so long?

Last time the 80s Kids rocked up to proffer their opinion on what would do gangbusters at the Summer Box office was 2015.

Whether their predictions were right or wrong (mostly, they weren't right) was not the point. The journey was the point. And they're setting out on that journey once again. Will Ian's watering can of tepid water come out again? Does Leo have any cheap visual tricks to bring to the party? There's only one way to find out for sure.

We're up at 10:15 AM GMT tomorrow (10th March 2018)