Episode 126:A Popcorn Bucket Full of One-Star Reviews

It's 1-Star Reviews all around this week as we look at the top ten movies of 2011 and it's not the world's most inspiring list, filled with franchise bloat and soaked through with sequel sogginess. There are a couple of gems and some fun times, but, for the most bankable movies of any year, the general picture is pretty sad.

Smurfs, Transformers, Muscle Cars, more sodding sparkly vampires, it's enough to make you want to drink, drink, drink until oblivion takes you, only to wake up the next day in some unknown location with no hair and a leopard in the bedroom. And yet, we didn't, and neither did anyone we know. All in all 2011 appeared, upon the surface of it, to be a pretty enjoyable year for movies, certainly the upcoming summer of 2013, infamous as the "Summer of Various Disappointments" had more to be glum about, so what gives?

It would appear that the masses were swayed towards big, solid, bankable, critic-proof franchise fare, which is fine and fair enough when you're talking martial arts pandas, talking cars or super spies who may, or may not, be getting on a bit now. But the wonderful thing about 2011 is that it allowed us to have our own dreams, there were many smaller, non-top ten movies that filled in the aching void of hunger for something a bit more substantial.

Great, Leo managed to get through that whole set up blurb without mentioning Captain America or Thor. Now to move on to next week, where he won't be mentioning them either.

This episode uses Excerpts of John Bartmann's My Time Done Come, available on Bandcamp and used under a Creative Commons License

EDITOR'S NOTE: At one point in this episode Leo boldly proclaims that Captain America: The First Avenger and Thor made x "thousand" dollars at the box office, he, of course, meant x "million" dollars but failed to catch his own mistake. I have covered it up as seamlessly as I can, hope no one notices...

Direct Link: https://archive.org/download/3032011Part1/3-03-2011-Part-1.mp3

Episode 121: Dreaming of Depressed Children and the War Machine

And so we pick up our knapsacks and alpenstocks once more, emerge from the lodge at the foot of "Mount Teenies" and wander purposefully into the 2010 foothills. We have aged since our impetuous youth pressed us into devoting a whole show to just one year. In the 80s that was achievable, in the 90s we were keen to be all done as quickly as possible, but then there were the noughties... my, didn't they have a lot to offer? Cramming one noughtie into a single show nearly killed us on more than one occasion and so, we have changed the format.

In the teenies each year shall get two shows. The first considering the year's biggest money-makers and the second moving on to what we like to describe as "Key Texts" and what you may like to describe as "The 80s Kids trying to give the 80s credit for everything". In this show, therefore, we will consider the top 10 highest grossing movies of 2010, so Iron Man 2 was bound to crop up.

Following on from that big obvious heap of MCU stuff what else do we have? Well, there's a lot of stuff for the kids! But... with How To Train Your Dragon, Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part One, Toy Story 3 and Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland your kids may need cheering up. Thankfully we also have Tangled, Despicable Me and Shrek Forever After to fall back on. So there should be at least one thing to make the children happy, even though there are a greater number of things to make them depressed and anxious.

Grown Ups, on the other hand, got... well... Inception. That's the only thing in the top 10 not specifically chiefly marketed at people under 30. The only other entry being a Twilight Movie. Oh, yes, about that. We make a hasty assurance in this episode that leads us to hope, fervently, that we don't get too many listeners who are that bothered about Twilight. Let's move on. Quickly... very, very quickly.

Direct Link: https://archive.org/download/204DreamingOfDepressedChildrenAndTheWarMachine/2-04-Dreaming-Of-Depressed-Children-And-The-War-Machine.mp3

Episode 103: 2007 - Big Bay Strikes Back!

History itself has conformed to a shape that tells us the 80s Kids had a destiny, an epic birthright and a pleasing plot arc. For we have arrived at 2007, a mere three years from the finish line to find a wasteland, a cinematic apocalypse lurking in an unexpected location.

2007 was so devoid of worth that it's amazing that people let it pass as if it was just another year. Forget the fact that this is the year of the first Bayformers, we have and we feel much better for it. This is the year in which you could count the number of truly successful movies on the digits of two hands and not even need the thumbs.

Hot Fuzz, Enchanted, Stardust, a Potter, a Bourne and we're pretty much done. Sure we had 300 featuring Gerard Butler in a pair of Y-Fronts and a cloak, a Spartan outfit indeed. We had a tepid Simpsons Movie. After those meagre pickings however you're in the arena of "letting things off the hook".

Ratatouille did nothing for Pixar's reputation, Spider Man 3 is still derided for the creation of emo-Parker, I Am Legend was a vehicle for Will Smith's massive ego, Beowulf gave Sue a headache because of the 3-D and Leo a headache because of everything else, the less said about Bridge To Terabithia the better. The mediocre dross keeps spewing.

The Golden Compass is like dust on the wind, 1408 is all but forgotten, Blood & Chocolate thankfully missed the Twihard wannabe boat, The Invasion was the remake ashamed of its own story, The Number 23 is as disappointing as only the 22nd sequel in any franchise could be, Hitman failed to hit the mark, Shooter suffered from a remarkable lack of action and War demonstrated that you shouldn't ever put Jet Li and Jason Statham in the same place at the same time.

Ian tries to lighten the mood with a wry observation arising from the implications of AvP:Requiem. It's no good, however, we're trapped in a tin can in a vacuum at the mercy of our arch-nemesis and the air is running low. Truly the darkest point of the journey, so grim Justin can't even be bothered to make an out of context remark. Let's just hope we can extricate ourselves from this mess before it's too late...

Incidental Music by incompetech.com


Direct Link: https://archive.org/download/103Films2007BigBayStrikesBack/103%20-%20Films%202007%20Big%20Bay%20Strikes%20Back.mp3

Episode 94: 2005 - The Man For Whom Aeon Flux Was Made

This week the 80s Kids are going to talk about 2005. Here we are, slap bang in the middle of the noughties and if this zero themed decade is about anything I guess it should be happening RIGHT NOW!

Looking over our selection it seems to be a year of torch passing, or at least torch dropping while other more successful flame bearers are getting on those sport shoes with the spiky soles and limbering up for a good run ahead defining the era. Very much in the stumbling camp are the relics of yesteryear greats.

The Star Wars prequels finally reach 'okay' on the watchability spectrum and calling it a day. Hitchickers Guide to the Galaxy finally expires with it's latest incarnation on our cinema screens bring an end to Douglas Adams twenty year ambition to tell exactly the same story over and over in every possible medium.

Spielberg's War of the Worlds stalls badly upon arrival on Earth, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory judders off the Burton production line and ends up in the reject bin and the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe totally fails to enchant itself to a new generation of children.

Meanwhile the superheroes continue their campaign to dominate all cinema with the impressive Batman Begins and the not so impressive Fantastic Four. The stylistically violent nihilistic noir of Sin City and acceptable Keanu Reeves vehicle Constantine.

King Kong lumbers about like he owns the joint and as usual Potter dominates the year. This year also proved conclusively that Firefly fans really are a small tiny minority of an obscure short lived show with the failure of Serenity.

This might garner the film a extra special place in our sentimental hearts, but then Leo pointed out that while Firefly fans are few the total number of people for whom Aeon Flux was made for number only one, and that was him and him alone. Given the duty of geeks is to love the most obscure thing possible in favor of the mainstream we have named this episode in its honor. Incidental Music by incompetech.com

Direct Link:https://archive.org/download/094Films2005/094%20-%20Films%202005.mp3

Episode 91: 2004 - Alien King Arthur of the Dead and the Catwoman of Azkaban Versus Predator Sky Captain Helsing's Spiderford Wives Team America of the Spotless Robot

Delayed by a mere 24 hours episode 91 is finally here!

This week the Decade trotting trio confront the Bombs and Booms of 2004's Film choices! I'm sure I can fill a few sentences with humorous and informative descriptions of what we talked about. But really, doesn't the films of 2004 sum it all up already?

I really feel I'd be repeating myself if I went into any more detail about which films in particular. I mean, google the darn year and you'll see this is the time of Van Helsing, Catwoman, I Robot, King Arthur, The Third Harry Potter Film, Team America, District 13, AvP, The Chronicles of Riddick, Spiderman 2, Hellboy, The Stepford Wives, Bourne Supremacy, Man on Fire, Shaun of the Dead and Blade Trinity to name but a few.

With our rose tinted glasses we predictably rifle our way though this jumble of date collected movies, offering opinions on the fly on the remembered big hitters and the forgotten bombs of this yesteryear ... erm .... year.

If you don't know what the 80s kids are like by now ... well ... you're very much like the other 99.999999999999% of the internet, so why not stand out and give us a listen? Incidental Music by incompetech.com

Direct Link:

https://archive.org/download/091Films2004AlienKingArthurOfTheDead/091%20-%20Films%202004%20-%20Alien%20King%20Arthur%20of%20the%20Dead%20and%20the%20Catwoman%20of%20Azkaban%20verses%20Predator%20Sky%20Captain%20Helsing_s%20Spiderford%20Wives%20Team%20America%20of%20the%20Spotless%20iRobot.mp3

Episode 88: 2003 - Early Superheroes And Late Career Exits

The passing of Sean Connery out of the world of film making forever is not likely to be the first thing one thinks about when recalling the year 2003, this is partly because League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is quite forgettable and because it was a REALLY busy year film wise.

Return of the King wrapped up the acclaimed Tolkien epic to the sound of many relieved awards and of course Marvel were very much out in force this year, although it's clear now the mass popularity of their present day incarnation was brought with the sweat, tears and failure of earlier films such as Hulk and Daredevil, and according to Leo X2 is looking ropy for it's age now too.

The glut of Films we had to see this is is noticeably up, and other franchise are more than happy to join in the Partly. But if 2003 is remembered for anyone's departure it's likely that old rusty cyborg Mr Schwarzenegger hanging up his mini gun and also making his film making exit with forest mushroom clouds wiping out humanity. Really after that a career in high office politics was a shoe in. Incidental Music by incompetech.com

Direct Link: https://archive.org/download/088Films2003/088%20-%20Films%202003.mp3

Episode 83: 2002 - Everything Is Awesome... Mostly

It's 2002, the year when a lot of the darkness and edge that Hollywood had been striving for in the 90s started to crystallise. The Bourne Identity reinvented espionage, Blade II reinvented vampires and Attack of the Clones brought the burgeoning field of incoherence to new levels of depth and complexity.

The 80s Kids had a great time in 2002 and aren't afraid to let their emotions show on the topic. Good thing for them that they don't live in the world of Equilibrium, both for plot-relevant reasons and because Leo still believes it is the worst film he has ever seen in a cinema to date.

On the subject of the underwhelm aside from the aforementioned clones we also had the Potter film most universally agreed to be "a bit meh" Chamber of Secrets and the forgettable sequel to Men in Black so snoozeworthy it's not even discussed in passing. To protect us from the parade of mediocrity are a number of exciting new developments and spectacular labours of love to go along with Bourne. This is, after all, the year of Raimi's Spiderman and Spielberg's Minority Report.

Can anyone declare the year which brought us Death To Smoochy, Cypher and The Transporter a failure? Can the 80s Kids? Turn on, download and find out. Incidental Music by Incompetech

Direct Link: https://archive.org/download/083Films2002/083%20-%20Films%202002.mp3

Episode 80: 2001 - The Year We Make... Not Much Worth Talking About, And Fantasy Movies

Well, I won't pretend to be anything other than a wimp ... but I ... Ian ... am a tad unwell. So I'm going to shirk my duties and do a short write up this week. So to be brief: In 2001 Fantasy lands big time and gets much talked about.

Meanwhile the 90s goes through it's dying spasms with a heap of forgettable movies that should never have been made. Oh that was easy. I should be lazy more often! Incidental Music by Incompetech

Direct Link: https://archive.org/download/080Films2001/080%20-%20Films%202001.mp3