Episode 126:A Popcorn Bucket Full of One-Star Reviews

It's 1-Star Reviews all around this week as we look at the top ten movies of 2011 and it's not the world's most inspiring list, filled with franchise bloat and soaked through with sequel sogginess. There are a couple of gems and some fun times, but, for the most bankable movies of any year, the general picture is pretty sad.

Smurfs, Transformers, Muscle Cars, more sodding sparkly vampires, it's enough to make you want to drink, drink, drink until oblivion takes you, only to wake up the next day in some unknown location with no hair and a leopard in the bedroom. And yet, we didn't, and neither did anyone we know. All in all 2011 appeared, upon the surface of it, to be a pretty enjoyable year for movies, certainly the upcoming summer of 2013, infamous as the "Summer of Various Disappointments" had more to be glum about, so what gives?

It would appear that the masses were swayed towards big, solid, bankable, critic-proof franchise fare, which is fine and fair enough when you're talking martial arts pandas, talking cars or super spies who may, or may not, be getting on a bit now. But the wonderful thing about 2011 is that it allowed us to have our own dreams, there were many smaller, non-top ten movies that filled in the aching void of hunger for something a bit more substantial.

Great, Leo managed to get through that whole set up blurb without mentioning Captain America or Thor. Now to move on to next week, where he won't be mentioning them either.

This episode uses Excerpts of John Bartmann's My Time Done Come, available on Bandcamp and used under a Creative Commons License

EDITOR'S NOTE: At one point in this episode Leo boldly proclaims that Captain America: The First Avenger and Thor made x "thousand" dollars at the box office, he, of course, meant x "million" dollars but failed to catch his own mistake. I have covered it up as seamlessly as I can, hope no one notices...

Direct Link: https://archive.org/download/3032011Part1/3-03-2011-Part-1.mp3

Episode 103: 2007 - Big Bay Strikes Back!

History itself has conformed to a shape that tells us the 80s Kids had a destiny, an epic birthright and a pleasing plot arc. For we have arrived at 2007, a mere three years from the finish line to find a wasteland, a cinematic apocalypse lurking in an unexpected location.

2007 was so devoid of worth that it's amazing that people let it pass as if it was just another year. Forget the fact that this is the year of the first Bayformers, we have and we feel much better for it. This is the year in which you could count the number of truly successful movies on the digits of two hands and not even need the thumbs.

Hot Fuzz, Enchanted, Stardust, a Potter, a Bourne and we're pretty much done. Sure we had 300 featuring Gerard Butler in a pair of Y-Fronts and a cloak, a Spartan outfit indeed. We had a tepid Simpsons Movie. After those meagre pickings however you're in the arena of "letting things off the hook".

Ratatouille did nothing for Pixar's reputation, Spider Man 3 is still derided for the creation of emo-Parker, I Am Legend was a vehicle for Will Smith's massive ego, Beowulf gave Sue a headache because of the 3-D and Leo a headache because of everything else, the less said about Bridge To Terabithia the better. The mediocre dross keeps spewing.

The Golden Compass is like dust on the wind, 1408 is all but forgotten, Blood & Chocolate thankfully missed the Twihard wannabe boat, The Invasion was the remake ashamed of its own story, The Number 23 is as disappointing as only the 22nd sequel in any franchise could be, Hitman failed to hit the mark, Shooter suffered from a remarkable lack of action and War demonstrated that you shouldn't ever put Jet Li and Jason Statham in the same place at the same time.

Ian tries to lighten the mood with a wry observation arising from the implications of AvP:Requiem. It's no good, however, we're trapped in a tin can in a vacuum at the mercy of our arch-nemesis and the air is running low. Truly the darkest point of the journey, so grim Justin can't even be bothered to make an out of context remark. Let's just hope we can extricate ourselves from this mess before it's too late...

Incidental Music by incompetech.com


Direct Link: https://archive.org/download/103Films2007BigBayStrikesBack/103%20-%20Films%202007%20Big%20Bay%20Strikes%20Back.mp3

Episode 43: Summer 2014 - Swords, Sandals, Superheroes and Sci Fi

The ever expanding Summer release schedule is that special time of year when studios let loose their best movies. Like chicks pushed from the nest and wrapped in a blanket of warm hope these films are sent off to the glowing arch way of the box office. There they'll be ushered before the great viewing public to do battle for popularity or at very least kill the competition in some kind of bloody and humiliating way.

This arena of duelling films couldn't possibly commence without our favourite three 80s boys placing lots on who'll be the winners in this years Film-off. So come join us in our royal box as we inspect this years fighters. And what a crop we have! The return of Captain America, Spider-man and just about all the X-Men who ever were. The Biblical flood defying alcoholic Noah and no less than two Hercules with a side order of extra Spartans.

Also Rising from the grave like something no longer a trilogy comes another unwanted Transformers movie but the shape changing monster trucks are dwarfed by the long shadow of Godzilla, ready to eat your Planes and Dragons no matter how well you've trained them. But while the bets are being placed on the coming box office melee and who will be the winner it's clear the 80s Kids have a soft spot for Guardians of the Galaxy and a troop of anthropomorphic Monkeys. Will they prevail? Well. We don't know yet. That answer is months away. In the meantime here is an hour of free speculation.

Direct Link: https://archive.org/download/043Summer2014/043-Summer-2014.mp3

Episode 29: 80s Kids Supreme Force Attack Base Available Now $129.99

This week the 80s kids(tm) gleefully tackle their childhood cartoon memories and the many, many toys that came with them. From the MEGA sized toy financed American imports to the Epic sprawling French serials and also the wit and charm of the UK based Cosgrove Hall. Our decade themed trio finally have a subject they can all speak about with authority.

Justin (Batteries not Included) born an Artist, fondly remembers the visually stunning 'Thundercats' intro sequence and lovingly building his own 'Danger Mouse' Flying Car. Leo (Sold Separately) born a Story Teller, has a special place in his heart for the friendships forged over shared viewings of 'Dungeons and Dragons' or the imaginative hours lost playing with 'MASK' or 'GI Joe' toys with his pals. Ian (Choking Hazard) born Yesterday, recalls his never ending demands for more and more toys to fill his empty consumer heart and the various childhood traumas that came from seeing Optimus Prime slowly dying from internal injuries.

But only by combining together to form the gestalt “Eighties Kids-a-Tron” (Product may vary from Box Picture) can they hope to tackle 'He-Man' the most Fabulous man in the Universe and his indomitable toy range of lame associates. This is the 'Revenge of the 80's Kids: Eighties Cartoon Episode' and all the cool kids have one!

Hero Down Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

Direct Link: https://archive.org/download/02980sKidsSupremeForceAttackBaseAvailableNow12999/029-80s-Kids-Supreme-Force-Attack-Base-Available-Now-129-99.mp3